My Letter Yo Mr. Valentine

Mr. Valentine, I know we are less than 24 hours away from your big day & I truly am sorry to bother you on such short notice. However, I have matters of the heart I need to lay bare & my understanding is that this is your area of expertise. Since your time is limited I will try to be brief but please, don’t lose your patience with me; for though my soul is abhorred & my love despised, my intentions are sincere.

To make clear that I have no hidden agenda, I will submit now that I am & will be single during your visit this time around. That being said, I only wish to engage you on your vast knowledge & firm grasp on love & the secret to your success. Success that has followed you since long before I ever came into existence. Hence, why I was felt I needed an audience with you to seek your counsel.

So tell me Mr. Valentine, what wisdom can you impart to me about my woes? What hidden gems can you share from your treasure box to help me feel less inadequate about all aspects of love? What thoughtful & insightful words can you embrace me with to help me overcome this never ending feeling of worthlessness when it comes to matters of the heart?

I know your time is valuable Mr. Valentine but with your impeccable reputation on all things love I figured you could snap your fingers & give me all the answers I seek in a jiffy & still have all your 24 hours to put on your extravagant display in all its splendor. I figured…Mr. Valentine? Mr. Valentine where are you going? Why are you leaving?…what do you mean you have no time for my silly inquiries? Too busy to help me out on the one thing you are most renowned for?

I see what’s happening here. You’re not refusing to help me because you’re too busy Mr. Valentine. You’re getting away from me as quickly as possible because my questions expose you for who you really are; actually for who you’re really not. & we wouldn’t want to burst that facade that you’ve worked so hard to build up & maintain, hey Mr. Valentine.

See for all the magic & mystique enshrined in your “success” the only thing you’re actually great at is sounding a loud horn in front of you (ads, commercials, repetition) in anticipation of your arrival. You keep your visit short (24 hours) as you make your way down to the land of the downtrodden waving hello, giving us treats (candy, flowers, cards, trips, etc,) & blowing us kisses as you go by knowing that many of us will eat it all up & be satisfied with your mere presence.

There is no room for inquiries of love built on layers requiring nuance to explore. That would bring the whole house of cards crashing down on your head & we couldn’t have that. Besides, who doesn’t appreciate the notion that you got off your perch & got on your high horse just to come down & feed the peasants the scraps off your table for one day all the while leaving us to our own devices for the other 364 days. I mean I love a good fairytale too.

What’s that Mr. Valentine? I’m just bitter because I’m not in a relationship this time around & I’m taking out all my frustration about that on you? Oh contraire Mr. Valentine. I’m not frustrated at all. Truth be told, I’ve been in a relationship 22 out of the last 28 times (my entire adult life) you’ve come to visit & I have felt the same way about you practically the entire time. But this isn’t about me.

To be clear Mr. Valentine I hold no hatred, contempt nor disgust for you at all. I don’t dislike you nor do do I bear you any ill will. I asked for this meeting simply because I needed to lay bare, not my inadequacies nor feelings of worthlessness, though I assure you they do exist. But rather, the illusion & delusion you have chosen to embrace yourself in, hoping that spectacle of your grandiosity would be enough to leave the truth of you unnoticed.

& the truth about you Mr. Valentine is & always has been that you,sir, are not love. You sir, are a warm & fuzzy, feel good plot device invented & brought out at the proper time to keep us all asleep. & I would rather have all my struggles, inadequacies & feelings of worthlessness in love over the 364 days (365 on leap year) you’re not with us than to allow myself any comfort in the 1 day participation of your falsehood.

All In My Head

Working my way back to a paragraph a day Though my thoughts & my pen would much rather fight Never on the same page about what I should say This argument can go on all day with each thinking they’re right So I intervene yelling, “Get out of the way!”To my pen which just looks at me as if I weren’t bright My thoughts then point to a mirror, have me go there & stay All the while laughing as I look on saying, “now just sit down & write”

Self-Sabotage

Hey can I take a peek at your word barrage I hear the way you structure flows through like a deep tissue massage A nod to those reading like a hidden corsage A trove of treasures & gems shining through like one big collage

You must be mistaken my words are more like a mirage Like a mechanic going to work in an empty garage They serve as an illusion, a buffer to plain camouflage My failures, my secrets, my self-sabotage

Can’t sleep

Tonight of all nights my mind has chosen to wander My sleep has escaped me like a desperate absconder A conscious so enraged over all the opportunities I’ve squandered Refusing to be ignored any longer, forcing every thought to be pondered Going after my failures usually kept in a box out way yonder This spirit has dug in his heels while growing stronger & fonder Of the idea of beating me into submission to the point of requiring a first responder Specifically a specialist to come to my aid with a spiritual transponder

I’M SORRY

I’M SORRY, what was that, you’ve missed me? You’ve thought about calling me a thousand times over the last few days? You wrote out a message to me, read it over & over again, correcting it as you tried to find the perfect words to say, only to almost send it but then changed your mind & discarded it for fear you might hurt me more?

I don’t know what to say to that except I’M SORRY…that is, I’M SORRY but I don’t believe you.

I’M SORRY but the cliche “almost only counts in horseshoes & hand grenades” does not apply here.

I’M SORRY that my number was so hard for you to dial. I cannot even imagine how difficult it must of been to pull out your phone, go to your contacts, find my name, & hit call.

I’M SORRY that the message you had written out “so perfectly” to me got lost in the virtual mail.

I’M SORRY that you really believed I would be better off not hearing from you…that it never dawned on you that hearing from you might be just what I needed to heal…but hey as long as you believed you were doing the right thing it must of been okay.

I’M SORRY that this is soooo hard for you…that you put what you believed ahead of the pain I might be going through…that you’re so selfish & made this all about you & don’t even realize it.

But most of all I just want you to know I’M SORRY.

Hot Water

With lights turned off & my anticipation growing, I could feel my body yearning for your warmth; my mind already in a euphoric but at the same time relaxed state, drifting away to thoughts of only you. I turn on the shower head in my bathroom knowing shortly we will be together once more. Solitude has afforded me the opportunity to reflect on how much I look forward to being engulfed by you. In complete darkness I go to my bedroom & with my left hand I reach up in search of my towel that is hung up on a hook on the door. I have come to appreciate the anxiousness of my heart every time I draw ever so closer to you. With towel in hand, it is now pulsating as I head to the bathroom & begin to undress. With lights still off & in total darkness I hop in the shower. I can no longer hide my jubilation: I can no longer keep my excitement to myself. I finally break my silence & say, “Hot Water, there you are! I know I saw you this morning but I’ve missed you so much for you are the only contact I have had with anyone or anything all day long! Now please let me soak in you while you take all of today’s loneliness off of me.”

“Lonely Place”

I escaped for a while, “where did you go?
Was it a winter resort, did there fall lots of snow?
Or was it nice and warm under our beautiful sun?
Did you enjoy your vacation? Did you have loads of fun?”
You don’t understand, please let me talk!
“Did you go to the beach and enjoy a long walk?
Was it everything that you came to expect?
Was the culture of the natives one you’ve come to respect?”
You don’t seem to get it, just give me a chance!
“Did you hit the clubs? Did you get down and dance?
Did you get yourself hammered, hanging out at the bar?
Did you travel by plane, train or did you rent a car?”
You got it all wrong, just let me speak!!
“Where you stayed, did you like what they offered to eat?
Did you take in the sights? Did you discover new wonders?
Were you flirting with the girls and come back with numbers?”
Enough already!! You’re going to drive me insane!!
Shut up for a minute & let me explain!
When I escaped for a while it wasn’t on vacation!
I wasn’t on an island, a resort nor any other destination!
I was still in my house! I still slept on my bed!
Because where I escaped to was up in my head!
I was still at my job! You could still see my face!
Because in my head, where I escaped to, was my own “Lonely Place”

9/11 The Message 1/29/2002

As the images reappear
Lend me your ears
So I can make clear
This “Message” of fear
The plot of all plots
To hit some key spots
Our mouths all left dropped
The “Message” we got
In a matter of hours
Two planes hit the towers
The World Trade Center devoured
The “Message” of cowards
All we could do is sit back
As the Pentagon you attacked
With another plane you hijacked
To keep your “Message” in tact
Some trembled, some quivered
Some stumbled, some shivered
The taste left in our mouths bitter
Your “Message” delivered
We all broke down in tears
We looked to our peers
Realizing our worst fears
A “Message” for years
The damage though minimal
The ideas of a criminal
This act unforgivable
The “Message” subliminal
No matter who you are
This left emotional scars
As we looked up to the stars
Reflecting on this “Message” from afar
& now as we’re left to pick up the rubble
With our minds in a constant struggle
Security has doubled
With your “Message” of trouble
It is worse than a hit & run
All the damage you have done
To each & everyone
With the “MESSAGE” that you’ve won

Writer’s Block

Oh “Writer’s Block” please go away
You hinder progress when you’re around
Putting my mind in disarray
Keeping my thoughts all gagged & bound
A heavy price I seem to pay
When you take hold & start to pound
Not allowing my words to be put on display
Leaving me uninspired as you stand your ground

Reality For A Lot Of Us

Suppress your depression
Depress your regression
Regress your suppression
To fake your progression